So I discovered something about myself!
More specifically, I started to sense a pattern about things I like, then I thought about it, then a proverbial lightbulb 💡 started shining in my head.
Disclaimer: the title above is misleading. This is about interests / orientation / fantasies, not goals.
The pattern started a few years ago, far before I started realizing there was a pattern.
I watched the show Lucifer, and I liked it—a lot. Unusually so, to a point that I noticed that interest at a meta level at the time (which usually does not happen with my other interests).
As per Wikipedia,
The series revolves around the story of Lucifer Morningstar […], the Devil, who abandons Hell for Los Angeles where he runs his own nightclub named ‘LUX’ and becomes a consultant to the LAPD.
The Lucifer character is strongly at odds with his upbringing as a fallen angel, disgraced by his father.
There is also a complicated romance between the Lucifer character and the (human) protagonist who is inspector for the LAPD.
I was absolutely and thoroughly fascinated by this Lucifer character. And not in a lusty way. I initially thought that the eyeliner and dead-pan humor were the source of my attention; I was mistaken. More on this below.
Then a year or two ago, I became enamored with the webcomic Exorcism Academy (extremely NSFW).
In a nutshell, said academy invokes demons, incarnates them, subjugates them and pairs them with trainees as source of magic to protect the boundary between earth and demon world. Incarnated demons are mostly novices and ignorant of human affairs; one, the protagonist (Al), is stronger, more experienced, less ignorant and still very blunt and socially inept.
The protagonist demon is also severely at odds with his demon world and relatives.
And there is a complicated romance with a human character.
Initially, I thought that the spicy sex scenes were the source of my attention. I was mistaken. More on this below.
Then, a few months ago, I discovered and devoured another webcomic, Black Key Incubus (somewhat SFW).
In a nutshell, a wizard trainee invokes a quite senior demon by accident. The senior demon (Caliban) is disengaged from and disapproving of his demon responsibilities. A complicated romance ensues with the wizard trainee.
Initially, I thought that the cute and endearing drawing style was the source of my interest…
Naah, scratch that. It only took a few pages of that webcomic for the proverbial penny to drop. The pattern was just too strong to ignore.
What did we have here?
- a spawn from hell.
- pansexual in hell, but induced into homoromanticism/homosexuality by his male body incarnation and the male invoker. (The exception is Lucifer, who could retain his pansexuality on Earth because he was not invoked—he chose existence on Earth on his own.)
- ignorant of human social rules, and/or unwilling to follow them.
- imbued with various magical powers and able to exert limited magical domination over (some) humans.
- dominated / restricted / subdued physically by his human form.
- motivated to stay out of hell for personal reasons.
- disliked by many humans due to a perception of danger or animosity.
- motivated to behave and stay out of trouble on earth out of earthly romantic interest.
- initial strong unease in the romantic endeavour, primarily due to the fundamental difference in nature and ability of the romantic partners.
- sublimation of that unease over time, through explicit & expressed mutual interest to develop the relationship further.
Yeah so, that’s me—at a somewhat coarse approximation!—and how I envision my relationships. There is a lot to unpack here, but at least I now have one framework (instead of zero) to think about myself.
The above is a working theory. I am now on the lookout for more data to confirm or infirm the theory.