This month, I spent quality time with friends and past coworkers in NYC. I felt some anticipation beforehand, excited during my stay, and hopeful/relieved on my last day there. (More on this below.) I also had a few friends for dinner (multiple times) and it is feeling more and more “normal” to use my brand new kitchen and social space at home. Meanwhile, the incubator program is going on nicely.

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There is one thing I have learned during my networking workshop last month and which I have kept thinking about ever since.

It goes as follows: when considering one’s goals, life priorities or ambitions, we can model one’s personal network using four broad / approximate categories along two axes.

One axis clusters people whom we are close to, who are invested emotionally in our success, vs. people who are more distant. For example, friends and family would fall in the first group, acquaintances and distant relatives in the other. Coworkers can be in either depending on how the relationship has developed.

The other axis clusters people who fundamentally understand the project / goals / values / ambitions under consideration, vs those who do not. For example, a coworker might deeply understand my work-related project while a close relative might not; my childhood friend might understand my values deeply while my coworker doesn’t, etc.

This gives us four categories, with extremely impactful differences in how they relate to our endeavors.

Like this, for example for a work-related project:

--------------+-----------------+--------------
              |  emotionally    |     not
              |  invested in    |  emotionally
              |  success        |  invested
--------------+-----------------+--------------
 deeply       |   business      |   competitor,
 understands  |   partner       |    coworker
--------------+-----------------+--------------
  does not    |   spouse,       |    childhood
   deeply     |   parents       |    friend
 understand   |                 |
--------------+-----------------+--------------

Another example, when the endeavor is to plan long-term care for an elderly relative:

--------------+-----------------+--------------
              |  emotionally    |     not
              |  invested in    |  emotionally
              |  success        |  invested
--------------+-----------------+--------------
 deeply       |   siblings,     |  healthcare
 understands  |   spouse        |   provider
--------------+-----------------+--------------
  does not    |   business      |  coworker
   deeply     |   partner       |
 understand   |                 |
--------------+-----------------+--------------

More generally, this model gives us the following labels:

--------------+-----------------+--------------
              |  emotionally    |     not
              |  invested in    |  emotionally
              |  success        |  invested
--------------+-----------------+--------------
 deeply       |  AMBASSADOR     |     DJ
 understands  |                 |
--------------+-----------------+--------------
  does not    |  SYMPATHIZERS   |  FIGURANTS
   deeply     |                 |
 understand   |                 |
--------------+-----------------+--------------

Ambassadors are special and invaluable because they autonomously amplify our story and care about doing it the right way. They are a source of strength and make us able to achieve far more than we can do alone, even when they do not participate directly. True ambassadors are rare, but a project or life change can be successful with only very few ambassadors.

(Fun side thought: think about the important things going on in your life right now. Who are your ambassadors?)

They key insight (for me at least) is that the work needed to turn a sympathizer into an ambassador is radically different from the work needed to turn a “DJ” into an ambassador.

In the first case, sympathizers already have appetite for bite-sized stories about what we do, to learn about us and talk about it with their friends. With just a bit of transparency, it is very realistic to expect them to evolve towards becoming ambassador on their own.

In the second case, changing anything there is all about relationship building and connecting with the “DJ” at an emotional level. It may not work because of a personality mismatch; but it might also just work by setting up an incentive structure that makes us mutually interested in a shared goal.

In the search for ambassadors, it is nearly always a losing proposition to hope for quality support from “figurants”. But it is still useful to maintain / develop a relationship with them. This is because perhaps there is a hidden shared interest or connection yet undiscovered, which means they are not “figurants” after all. But this discovery is only made possible by creating new opportunities to learn about each other, i.e. through continuously trying new types of shared activities.

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On a separate note, this month marked the first time ever I traveled to NYC for “pleasure”. This was a momentous situation.

For context, until the end of last year I had always combined my stays in NYC with business meetings. Even earlier this year, my travels to NYC were either part of a wider/longer travel plan or an investigation process, searching for partnership opportunities. In other words, I only ever visited with a superposition of purposes that included other things besides just enjoying my stay and spending quality time with friends.

This duality had always projected a shadow of (irrational) doubt at the back of my mind: how much of these relationships were “true”, standing ground on their own separately from the dual purpose I was superposing on each visit?

Was I ever a legitimate visitor if I hadn’t had “something important,” outside of these relationships, to motivate my visit?

During my travel westwards, three weeks ago, I contemplated the realization that this stay would be a trial of my legitimacy. The realization filled me with anticipation.

The joy and peace we experienced (at the wedding I attended, then also at the hike the next day, then during all the further quality time we spent together throughout my stay) put my unease definitely at rest. I can even say that the experience of “being together” felt different, exciting, as if I was discovering a new layer in our relationships. The fact I could stay at a place of my own, without depending on a friend’s hospitality, strengthened this effect. It was empowering!

Meanwhile, another important something happened. Historically, most of my relationships in the US were based on shared interests around technical topics, and shared values common in a particular industry. Then, throughout this year, I (re)discovered my interests and values outside of this niche. And so as I traveled westwards this time, I also felt some anxiety about whether I could still be accepted in these relationships despite my changing interests. This fear was irrational, but the feeling was real.

As motivated as I was to disclose those fears and explore this vulnerability, sadly I was not very successful at turning them into a positive affirmation. We only superficially touched on this, and so the topic will need to come up again. Still, some opening conversations were had and I did not receive disinterest, negative judgment nor unwanted distance. This is a good sign. Perhaps ironically, I recognize that this is really a “coming out” dynamic and that I am struggling in all its predictable ways.

Overall, still, these ten days went well and I traveled eastwards under a sense of serenity and relief. Also a first.

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Another workshop I participated in from the incubator program was focused on branding (in the context of marketing). What brands are, what they mean, and the relationship between company value, mission and vision (as it pertains to brands).

One thing I found particularly insightful is the gradual spiritual elevation of branding through the 20th century.

Until the end of the 19th century, “traditional” brands dominated. These mark a product or a shop. They are a mark for things and locations. Think here about the brand of your favorite artisanal cheese at the farmer’s market. These brands are subject to the people around them.

In the first third of the 20th century, “modern” brands evolved, to describe groups. Think here about a brand like General Motors or Mercedes, or even like the Rotary Club or Amex. Modern brands describe an overarching product line, company or concept, not a single product or location any more. They may also have events and certain social norms. The brand exists as a controlled community, and members can join (and exit) it under supervision of its controlling entity.

In the second half of the 20th century, “post-modern” brands evolved, which foster individuality. Think here about brands like Apple, Gucci, Nike. Post-modern brands are an instrument for the individual to enrich their own life and express themselves.

Then at the turn of the 21th century, we got “network” brands. They are also nowadays often referred to as “communities”; think here about organizations like Yes Theory or interest-based subreddits. These brands emerge from the growing association between their community members, they do not lead it.

Ostensibly, the workshop asked this question: what type of brand do you want to develop in your own business? It is indeed fundamental and something I had not thought about yet, and so I felt grateful for the challenge.

Meanwhile, however, this framing as a gradual spiritual elevation also made me curious. What will come next? There will surely be another evolution of brands in the future, and I cannot wait to see what it will be.

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I want to admit that I feel significant anxiety about the US election next week. I really want to talk about my fears with others, but I am unsure with whom. My US friends are naturally plenty anxious on their own already. We did try our best to ignore that shadow looming over all of us earlier this month, but it was not easy.

Regardless of the election outcome, I predict this period will incur (or will have incurred) a social and generational trauma, like the COVID-19 lockdowns did before it. This trauma will need healing. We should really talk about it.

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On a completely separate note, at the very end of last month Steve Barnett, who runs the Diary of a CEO podcast, interviewed Alok Kanojia, a.k.a. “Dr K”, of HealthyGamerGG fame. (Incidentally, I recommend both channels.)

This part of the interview particularly resonated with me:

Here’s my reformatted transcript for this part (emphasis mine):

Children who grow up in traumatic environments learn to be invisible. And so, then, something very important happens in the brain where it stops planning for the future. Because any plan for the future can change depending on whether [for example] your parent is drunk or not; and then if I was going to have a birthday party I told all my friends and I got cancelled, now that hurts so much!

So what happens when we get traumatized is, we go into “survival mode”, we go into “protective mode”. […] So when you grow up in a traumatic environment where you are punished for thinking about the future, you can’t plan for anything because your home environment is so chaotic. There’s no rules no organization and you’re focused on Survival. That becomes baked in.

And what happens when these people grow up is that they are bound by external stimuli. “If there is some kind of pressure from the external environment, then I can act, but I cannot derive internal sense of motivation at all. [Instead, I seek] an external deadline [and] I have to survive that deadline.”

So they go into this survival mode instead of […] being able to look into the future. […] It’s really crippling because it’s fundamentally like the part of their brain that plans for the future has been disabled permanently.

That part of the interview then ends on a more optimistic note, explaining the situation is often not irreversible and the trauma can heal (with therapy).

Still.

When I watched/read that, it felt like a punch in the face. I will need more time to process that.

Related, this Instagram short by Ben Cole-Edwards.

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A contrasting fun thing also happened.

Recently, a new person joined my martial art classes. This young man is nearly half my age, barely more than 20 years old. He is also much more energetic, with many times more enthusiasm for the classes as I ever have seen experienced with other participants (myself included). His extreme eagerness to learn and interact physically and frequently with other group members—both within exercises, and using youthful socially accepted handshakes and hugs, is burlesque yet endearing.

This man is eager, but also quite ostensibly uncertain about his own identity and social status. His exuberance ostensibly seeks approval, affection and mentoring from his older peers.

The fun thing that happened is my strong and positive emotional reaction to this change.

For the very first time ever, I experienced the fabled combination of wanting to care, protect and teach with affection—and in a non-sexual way. I had previously believed, now obviously mistakenly, that I was unable to experience this. I am glad I was wrong. Just experiencing that feeling, even without taking any action towards the younger person, is a tremendous source of joy and I could easily see it provide me with purpose. (Yes, I know these feelings have a name. I am not using it here, because I still have unrelated hang-ups about that. I will deal with the hangup later. Let me have my moment.)

Today, he asked me something personal. I felt proud! Not proud about myself: just of his courage for asking me! This is the very first time I don’t feel either annoyed, bored or anxious with someone asking me something. This new feeling is weird, yet cool. It makes me curious for more.

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Last time I experienced such a strong feeling of the kind “you know it when you know it” was last December, when I was matched with my snowboard.

I would also be tremendously happy if y’all, readers, could share any past experience(s) in your life where you encountered any type of undeniable important feeling for the first time.

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There is also much more that I have read, learned etc. this month, as usual, but for this update I wanted to use a different format, one that is slightly more emotionally charged. Please let me know if you like it.